Not Looking, But Open - Really?

Photo by JKonig

In the name of love, if there's one sentence I would be okay with never hearing again, it's this one:
I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'd be open to it if it came along.

Especially if it's spoken by a woman over the age of 27.

It conveys a sense of, I could take it or I could leave it.  It's not that important to me.

I just don't buy it.

I don't know any single women over the age of 27 who wouldn't very much like to meet the love of their life.  So I don't buy that it's not important to you.  I don't buy that somewhere in the back of your mind or deep in your heart, you're not wondering how you're going to find this person, or sometimes even whether you're going to find this person.  Or maybe it's the big white elephant in your mind; that desire might not be completely in focus yet, but I believe it's there.

I'm not saying that every woman must want to find their life partner; I'm saying that I just haven't yet met one who doesn't.

So for me, "Not Looking But Open" reflects a disconnect between what you want and what you say you want.  And that disconnect ain't gonna help you find your special love.

What happens when you say what you want out loud?

Who would you become if you turned it around to, I am looking, and I am open?

RT - 4 Relationship Myths That Almost Everyone Perpetuates

I stumbled upon an interesting article in the HuffPost a few days ago, which I completely agree with.

Here's a quick summary:
1. Opposites may attract, but long term it's the fundamental things you share with a person that will keep you together.

2. A perfect relationship isn't one where there is no conflict.  A perfect relationship is one where both people have found a constructive way of resolving conflicts that come up.

3. Interdependence and independence are both important for having a strong relationship.

4. Communication is important in a relationship, but it's also possible to over-communicate: it's not necessary to hash out every single hiccup.

You can read the whole article here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/relationship-fact-or-fict_b_774976.html

Most People Have to Kiss a Few Frogs

Photo by kaibara

Bad dates.  Everyone's had one.


At the start of their date one guy told my friend, a fellow doctor, "I'm making a rule: we're going to split everything 50/50".  When she pulled out her credit card after dinner, he didn't flinch.  He just let her pay.

Another friend went on a date with a guy whose head was snowing dandruff.


Another date talked about his ex-girlfriend the entire night.


Cheap dates.  Presumptuous dates.  Poorly groomed dates.  Boring dates.  Dates that talk too much about themselves.  Dates that are just plain rude.


If you've never had a bad date, you might not be putting yourself out there.
Either that or you married young.


If you have had a bad date, take heart.  You're in good company.  And it doesn't mean a thing about what you deserve, or your chances of finding the love you want.

Yeah Baby, Let's Talk about Sex

Photo by artistfriendship

A friend recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating for a couple of months.  She thought he was nice but not the right person for her.  She wrote this in an email:

------

"The biggest lesson I am taking from this experience is something that I've heard said so many times before and always rejected out of hand as part of my general rejection of my paranoid-of-the-body Catholic upbringing: 
sex clouds judgement.


You start to bond energetically and it is harder to notice incompatible character traits and red flags. Or maybe you notice them but other parts of you dismiss them right away.  I still made him wait a month but as soon as we crossed that line, that was when I got more confused.  


I am beginning to reluctantly admit that maybe the nuns were right ;-).  I would never marry someone without knowing if we are sexually compatible first.  But I might try waiting until I am more certain about the relationship before introducing this element next time."

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What's Time Got To Do With It?

Photo by eliazar

My husband and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be together.


Within a few weeks of our first official date.


It just felt effortless and obvious. There was no sense of "I love him, BUT..."


There were no buts.


I didn't know he was the love of my life on the first day we met (although I did notice his truly fantastic smile).  We didn't even have our first date until over two months later.


When we eventually became friends, it was effortless and easy.  We connected on a lot of different levels.  We could talk for hours about everything under the sun.  No matter where we were or what we were doing, we had fun.


We turned each other on.  I found him incredibly interesting on lots of different levels (and still do).  We felt natural with each other and energized by each other's company (and still do).  We laughed constantly (and still do).  Commitment wasn't a huge leap for either one of us.  At a certain point we just recognized that it was already there.

I'll tell you something.  The day that I realized he was the one for me, and I was the one for him, was one of the best days of my life.


Sometimes two people in a relationship are trying to figure out whether they're right for each other.

Sometimes one person is more committed than the other.
Sometimes one or both people find it hard to commit because they haven't yet figured out what they want from a life partnership in general.
But sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes there's a mutual sense of certainty.
And when that happens, it's magic.


That mutual sense of certainty can develop very quickly.
And it happens all the time:
In January my sister was teased by her good friend Suany about getting engaged to someone she'd dated for just six months.
Then Suany met someone in May, and got engaged in August.
Sometimes when you know, you know.

Don't mistake me, the point is not about how quickly you can get engaged or get married.  It's about recognizing when something is right, and how quickly that can happen.  It doesn't necessarily take two years, or even a year.  Especially if you've taken time to ask yourself what you really want in your life.

If you're ready for a life partnership and you aren't certain within six months that the person you're with is right for you, and vice versa, you might think hard about whether it's ever going to feel right with that particular person.  Or at least you might want to take a good hard look at your "buts".

Does Searching for Love Ruin the Magic?

Photo by nuakin

Someone recently confided to me that he wanted to find love, but wasn't going online because searching for love seemed unromantic.  He wanted destiny to lead him to his person.  He wanted love to find him.


He also lamented that nothing was happening in his love life.


Is searching for love unromantic?  
Does it reduce something that could be magical to something mundane, like a job search?  
Is it a pushy way to interface with your destiny?  
Or is it smart, a sign that you know what you want and are proactive about getting it?


It's true that some people find their life partner without having to even think about it.  (One lovely couple I know met when they were young kids and grew up knowing that they wanted to be together.  So sweet, like a movie, no?)


But if you are single right now and ready to find/create/be in a life partnership, chances are you've had to face the idea of a search in some form or the other.


Here's my take on things.
The magic is in being with the person you love and who is right for you.  Hands down.  How you find that person doesn't matter one bit.  It doesn't matter whether you find each other by chance, whether your aunt's brother's friend's co-worker sets you up, or whether you meet online.


But if you're ready to find your life partner, and you haven't met that person by chance, then I think the other two options are a good idea.


To me, the least magical thing is being with the wrong person.
The next least magical thing is sitting at home and waiting for someone to knock on the door.


It reminds me of the story about the girl in dire financial straights who prays to God to help her win the lottery.  Every night she prays and every night someone else wins.  In desperation she prays: God, what's going on?  I'm about to lose everything I have.  Please, please have mercy on me and let me win the lottery tonight.  To which she hears a booming reply, "MY DEAR, PLEASE BUY A TICKET!!"

A Lid for Every Pot

Photo by WordRidden

Look around and you will see all kinds of people in happy, committed relationships.  


People with all kinds of personalities.
All kinds of physical appearances.
All professions.
All levels of spiritual evolution, emotional stability, fitness, and interest in fashion.
Etcetera.


You may know someone who you think is annoying and unattractive - and that person has a mate who is madly in love with them and thinks they are the cat's meow.

My point is, there's someone for everyone.

We live in a very self-help-y culture.  And in a way, I'm totally into that.  I think it's great to take active steps to improve your life.  But constantly thinking about all the ways you need to improve yourself can, ironically, be self-defeating.

You are who you are.  And there's someone out there who will think they are the luckiest person on earth to be with you, as you are right now.  Really.