All the Single Ladies

Interesting article on "the new marriage market" in this month's Atlantic Monthly:

Recent years have seen an explosion of male joblessness and a steep decline in men’s life prospects that have disrupted the “romantic market” in ways that narrow a marriage-minded woman’s options: increasingly, her choice is between deadbeats (whose numbers are rising) and playboys (whose power is growing). But this strange state of affairs also presents an opportunity: as the economy evolves, it’s time to embrace new ideas about romance and family—and to acknowledge the end of “traditional” marriage as society’s highest ideal.


Check it out here.  It's worth reading the whole article (written by a single 39-year old woman), because she makes several interesting observations.


However, I'm not sure I buy her conclusions.  In case anyone has any doubts I would like to shout from the rooftops that women have WAY more choices than just deadbeats and playboys!  Since the beginning of time there have been deadbeats and playboys, and there have also been good, straight-forward guys.  Present day is no exception.  It's a matter of knowing how to discern who is who.

Karma and Common Sense

Photo by fabrizio

Soon after I got engaged a single girlfriend asked me, "Do you think finding love is because of karma?  That it was just your time?"

It made me think how complicated finding long term love - a partner for life - can seem.  It has become, for many women, the central source of drama in their lives.  (And by the way, I'm no different.  Although I wouldn't have admitted it before, and I may not even have realized it, before I met my husband I was in the same boat.)

This is the paradox.  I know so many women - attractive, good, kind, intelligent women - who haven't yet found someone that they would be enthusiastic about committing to and who would be enthusiastic about committing to them.  Yet it's something that many of these women deeply want.  Because there have been so many false starts, it has started to feel like some impossible dream.

I know people like to say that everything is a learning experience.  "Every failed relationship I had brought me closer to my true love," one woman told me.  That's a positive way to look at the past.  However I think it's possible to bypass future failed/short-term relationships, or at least to lessen the chance for them.  We need to use our heads.

Once I met my husband, the ways in which I had gone wrong before seemed so obvious.  Maybe it was partly my karma to meet my husband - it certainly felt magical to me - but I believe it was a change in my thinking that had happened in the months prior that had changed my approach to this area of my life and set the stage for it.  This is what I want to share.  It's not mystical, it's not philosophy, it's not even setting positive intentions for the future.  It's simply common sense for getting from A to B.  I didn't have it before, but I've got it now.

Priorities

“We are the most important search engine on the Web, not Google. The search for companionship is more important than the search for song lyrics.”  
-- Sam Yagan, founder of OK Cupid
(from the article Looking for Someone, in last week's New Yorker)

RT: Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?

Just finished Anita Jain's fantastic memoir Marrying Anita: A Quest for Love in the New India.
I have lots to say about it, which I will get to in the near future.

In the meantime, I highly recommend Anita's article in New York magazine:
Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?

(Hands down the best article title of all time)

There's a Fine Line Between Love and a Waste of Your Time

Photo by Dan_H

I saw the *fabulous* musical Avenue Q last tonight.  (If it comes to your city, go see it!)

One song in particular really touched me.

First let me give you the backdrop:
A young guy named Princeton, fresh out of college and unemployed, is sure he's special and destined for some kind of greatness.  He's just not sure what his life purpose is yet.

He meets a girl named Kate - an assistant schoolteacher who would like to find a mate, they fall in like, and end up spending a night together.  Soon after he freaks out that she's distracting him from his life purpose, and breaks up with her.

And then she sings this song full of such heart and truth: There's a Fine Line Between Love and a Waste of Your Time.  Ain't that the truth.

You can listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTFI9sQdpGo

Lyrics


There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Why Arranged Marriage Isn't Such a Crazy Tradition

Photo by madaboutasia

Ten years ago when my Bombay-based friend Anu decided she wanted to get married, her family went about looking for suitable husband candidates for her to meet.

Their basic criteria was the following:

1. Comes from a good family

2. Educated and has a good job

3. Reasonably nice looking

4. Ready to get married

The fifth criteria, of course, was the X factor that only Anu would be able to perceive once she met him: Personal chemistry.

Anu's parents let their network of family and friends know that Anu was looking for a husband, and their network in turn let Anu's parents know of suitable guys they came across who were looking for a wife.

With an open mind Anu met them, one by one.  The meetings usually involved Anu and her parents meeting the guy and his parents.  (Needless to say, there were no drunken hook-ups or time spent by the phone wondering "Why didn't he call?")

One of the guys, Prashant, she particularly liked.

Prashant was five years older than her and, having established himself in his career, had deemed himself marriage-ready.

What Anu noticed about Prashant was how good-natured, confident, and warm he was.  He was enthusiastic about getting to know her, and she felt at ease around him.  She instantly liked him as a person.

His mother was an old friend of one of Anu's aunts, so Anu knew that his family was a lot like her family in terms of their values and outlook on life.  Prashant's parents were open and easy-going, and she felt comfortable around them (important, because he was extremely close to his parents).

Anu worked in HR for a software company and liked her job.  She envisioned a life where she would both work and have a family.  Prashant was supportive of that (important that they have the same picture of what their life together might look like).  At the same time he worked in his family's business, which was successful, so Anu knew she would have a comfortable life whether she worked or not (important, because money can be a big stressor in a relationship).

He wasn't a model, but he was definitely attractive to her.  Although she is herself quite beautiful, Anu told me that she didn't want a partner who attracted a lot of special attention for his looks.

They met a few more times - on their own - before deciding to get married.  A couple of months later they had a formal engagement ceremony, and a few months after that they had a wedding.

Ten years and two kids later, they are still happily married, love each other deeply, and are devoted to each other.  They had adjustments to make, for sure, the kind that are always required when two human beings come together.  Life has its own drama.  However, looking back what is most striking about Anu's story is how little drama was involved in her finding her life partner.

Connections

Photo by swisscam

I thought of three things today, which all connect in a way.

First, I noticed that by far the most popular post on this blog is Five Must-Haves in a Potential Life Partner.  Interesting.

Second, I spoke with some friends who are in the midst of a serious house hunt.  They have their list of criteria, and they are putting in serious hours with their real estate agent, poring over listings, going to open houses.  They've found some places that were ok but are still looking for one where everything comes together.  Finding the house you want to buy could be like finding the guy you want to marry.  You have an idea of what you're looking for but there's also a sense of walking in and knowing that it's right.  This inner knowing is what makes it feel ok to plunk down your life savings.

And lastly, I thought of an old friend of mine.  When we were in college he shared a house with a bunch of other guys.  Several of them were stoners (one of them may have even done a little "home gardening" in his bedroom closet).  The phone had been cut off because someone forgot to pay the bill and no one wanted to cover the re-activation fee - and this was before everyone had cell phones.  On top of all of that, at one point someone flushed kitty litter down the only toilet in the house, stopping it up completely, and the entire household spent a week walking to the gas station down the street every time they needed to use the loo.

"Why don't you move?"  I would ask him.

"Well, I'm just not sure I can find another place as good as this," he replied.

(As good???)

So there's that too - the things we can settle for without realizing it.  Do you have any phone-less stoner houses with stopped up toilets in your life?

Mad Men

I have to admit, in the last few weeks I've gotten completely absorbed in Mad Men.

It's an incredibly delicious show.  While it's entertained me it's also gotten me thinking about women's roles, both in the 1960's and today.

It's great that women have more career options today than secretary, teacher, and nurse.  (But then can we really say it is great?  Shouldn't it have been that way all along?  Is it like saying, it's great that no one shot at me today?).

I wonder what we'll think 50 years from now looking back on today.  What subtler barriers will be broken between now and then.

Here's what I hope for:
I'm hoping for a major breakthrough when it comes to how women see themselves in relationships.  More girls will make it through adolescence with their self-esteem sturdy, knowing that the real truth is that they can call the shots for themselves just as much as the guys can.  More women will be clear about what they want from a relationship, confident of their ability to get it, unafraid to speak it out loud, and ready to keep moving if it's not a good fit.  More women will crack the habit of second guessing themselves.

Calling in The One

Photo by alles-shlumpf

Hands down the best book I've ever read about relationships is the highly readable masterpiece Calling in "The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

The book is an insightful guide on how to make yourself ready and clear to be in a fulfilling life partnership, and therefore how to attract one.

Watch Katherine Woodward Thomas talk about the premise of Calling in The One <here> and <here>.

Here's what the back cover says:
In Calling in "The One," Katherine Woodward Thomas shares her own personal experience to show women that in order to find the relationship that will last a lifetime, you have to be truly open and ready to create a loving, committed, romantic union.  Calling in "The One" shows you how.


Based on the Law of Attraction, which is the concept that we can only attract what we're ready to receive, the provocative yet simple seven-week program in Calling in "The One" prepares you to bring forth the love you seek.  For each of the 49 days of Thomas's thoughtful and life-affirming plan, there is a daily lesson, a corresponding practice, and instruction for putting that lesson into action in your life.  Meditation, visualization, and journaling exercises will gently lead you to recognize the obstacles on your path to love and provide ways to steer around them.  At the end of those 49 days, you will be in the ideal emotional state to go out into the world and find "The One."

My sister swears that she would never have met her fiance if she hadn't gone through this book.  One of her friends with whom she went through it just got engaged.


I'd recommend Calling in The One whether you're single or married because we are all trying to call something into our lives - whether it is a relationship, a life purpose, or something else.

Not Looking, But Open - Really?

Photo by JKonig

In the name of love, if there's one sentence I would be okay with never hearing again, it's this one:
I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'd be open to it if it came along.

Especially if it's spoken by a woman over the age of 27.

It conveys a sense of, I could take it or I could leave it.  It's not that important to me.

I just don't buy it.

I don't know any single women over the age of 27 who wouldn't very much like to meet the love of their life.  So I don't buy that it's not important to you.  I don't buy that somewhere in the back of your mind or deep in your heart, you're not wondering how you're going to find this person, or sometimes even whether you're going to find this person.  Or maybe it's the big white elephant in your mind; that desire might not be completely in focus yet, but I believe it's there.

I'm not saying that every woman must want to find their life partner; I'm saying that I just haven't yet met one who doesn't.

So for me, "Not Looking But Open" reflects a disconnect between what you want and what you say you want.  And that disconnect ain't gonna help you find your special love.

What happens when you say what you want out loud?

Who would you become if you turned it around to, I am looking, and I am open?

RT - 4 Relationship Myths That Almost Everyone Perpetuates

I stumbled upon an interesting article in the HuffPost a few days ago, which I completely agree with.

Here's a quick summary:
1. Opposites may attract, but long term it's the fundamental things you share with a person that will keep you together.

2. A perfect relationship isn't one where there is no conflict.  A perfect relationship is one where both people have found a constructive way of resolving conflicts that come up.

3. Interdependence and independence are both important for having a strong relationship.

4. Communication is important in a relationship, but it's also possible to over-communicate: it's not necessary to hash out every single hiccup.

You can read the whole article here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/relationship-fact-or-fict_b_774976.html

Most People Have to Kiss a Few Frogs

Photo by kaibara

Bad dates.  Everyone's had one.


At the start of their date one guy told my friend, a fellow doctor, "I'm making a rule: we're going to split everything 50/50".  When she pulled out her credit card after dinner, he didn't flinch.  He just let her pay.

Another friend went on a date with a guy whose head was snowing dandruff.


Another date talked about his ex-girlfriend the entire night.


Cheap dates.  Presumptuous dates.  Poorly groomed dates.  Boring dates.  Dates that talk too much about themselves.  Dates that are just plain rude.


If you've never had a bad date, you might not be putting yourself out there.
Either that or you married young.


If you have had a bad date, take heart.  You're in good company.  And it doesn't mean a thing about what you deserve, or your chances of finding the love you want.

Yeah Baby, Let's Talk about Sex

Photo by artistfriendship

A friend recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating for a couple of months.  She thought he was nice but not the right person for her.  She wrote this in an email:

------

"The biggest lesson I am taking from this experience is something that I've heard said so many times before and always rejected out of hand as part of my general rejection of my paranoid-of-the-body Catholic upbringing: 
sex clouds judgement.


You start to bond energetically and it is harder to notice incompatible character traits and red flags. Or maybe you notice them but other parts of you dismiss them right away.  I still made him wait a month but as soon as we crossed that line, that was when I got more confused.  


I am beginning to reluctantly admit that maybe the nuns were right ;-).  I would never marry someone without knowing if we are sexually compatible first.  But I might try waiting until I am more certain about the relationship before introducing this element next time."

-----

What's Time Got To Do With It?

Photo by eliazar

My husband and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be together.


Within a few weeks of our first official date.


It just felt effortless and obvious. There was no sense of "I love him, BUT..."


There were no buts.


I didn't know he was the love of my life on the first day we met (although I did notice his truly fantastic smile).  We didn't even have our first date until over two months later.


When we eventually became friends, it was effortless and easy.  We connected on a lot of different levels.  We could talk for hours about everything under the sun.  No matter where we were or what we were doing, we had fun.


We turned each other on.  I found him incredibly interesting on lots of different levels (and still do).  We felt natural with each other and energized by each other's company (and still do).  We laughed constantly (and still do).  Commitment wasn't a huge leap for either one of us.  At a certain point we just recognized that it was already there.

I'll tell you something.  The day that I realized he was the one for me, and I was the one for him, was one of the best days of my life.


Sometimes two people in a relationship are trying to figure out whether they're right for each other.

Sometimes one person is more committed than the other.
Sometimes one or both people find it hard to commit because they haven't yet figured out what they want from a life partnership in general.
But sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes there's a mutual sense of certainty.
And when that happens, it's magic.


That mutual sense of certainty can develop very quickly.
And it happens all the time:
In January my sister was teased by her good friend Suany about getting engaged to someone she'd dated for just six months.
Then Suany met someone in May, and got engaged in August.
Sometimes when you know, you know.

Don't mistake me, the point is not about how quickly you can get engaged or get married.  It's about recognizing when something is right, and how quickly that can happen.  It doesn't necessarily take two years, or even a year.  Especially if you've taken time to ask yourself what you really want in your life.

If you're ready for a life partnership and you aren't certain within six months that the person you're with is right for you, and vice versa, you might think hard about whether it's ever going to feel right with that particular person.  Or at least you might want to take a good hard look at your "buts".

Does Searching for Love Ruin the Magic?

Photo by nuakin

Someone recently confided to me that he wanted to find love, but wasn't going online because searching for love seemed unromantic.  He wanted destiny to lead him to his person.  He wanted love to find him.


He also lamented that nothing was happening in his love life.


Is searching for love unromantic?  
Does it reduce something that could be magical to something mundane, like a job search?  
Is it a pushy way to interface with your destiny?  
Or is it smart, a sign that you know what you want and are proactive about getting it?


It's true that some people find their life partner without having to even think about it.  (One lovely couple I know met when they were young kids and grew up knowing that they wanted to be together.  So sweet, like a movie, no?)


But if you are single right now and ready to find/create/be in a life partnership, chances are you've had to face the idea of a search in some form or the other.


Here's my take on things.
The magic is in being with the person you love and who is right for you.  Hands down.  How you find that person doesn't matter one bit.  It doesn't matter whether you find each other by chance, whether your aunt's brother's friend's co-worker sets you up, or whether you meet online.


But if you're ready to find your life partner, and you haven't met that person by chance, then I think the other two options are a good idea.


To me, the least magical thing is being with the wrong person.
The next least magical thing is sitting at home and waiting for someone to knock on the door.


It reminds me of the story about the girl in dire financial straights who prays to God to help her win the lottery.  Every night she prays and every night someone else wins.  In desperation she prays: God, what's going on?  I'm about to lose everything I have.  Please, please have mercy on me and let me win the lottery tonight.  To which she hears a booming reply, "MY DEAR, PLEASE BUY A TICKET!!"

A Lid for Every Pot

Photo by WordRidden

Look around and you will see all kinds of people in happy, committed relationships.  


People with all kinds of personalities.
All kinds of physical appearances.
All professions.
All levels of spiritual evolution, emotional stability, fitness, and interest in fashion.
Etcetera.


You may know someone who you think is annoying and unattractive - and that person has a mate who is madly in love with them and thinks they are the cat's meow.

My point is, there's someone for everyone.

We live in a very self-help-y culture.  And in a way, I'm totally into that.  I think it's great to take active steps to improve your life.  But constantly thinking about all the ways you need to improve yourself can, ironically, be self-defeating.

You are who you are.  And there's someone out there who will think they are the luckiest person on earth to be with you, as you are right now.  Really.

Basic Blueprint of a Fulfilling Life Partnership?

Photo by Todd Ehlers

A close friend sent me this email right after my husband and I got engaged.


I think it's a good basic blueprint for what's needed for a fulfilling life partnership (in addition to a spark - you know, that X factor).


Useful questions to think about when considering someone...


Things to be in sync on before you commit for life...


---------- Forwarded message ----------

Here are the questions that our spiritual mentor and officiant discussed with us as our premarital counseling.  I thought you might enjoy seeing them.

1. Communication: Do each of you feel heard by the other? Do each of you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with the other? Do each of you understand the feelings and reasons for those feelings that the other person is sharing?

2. Leisure activities: What do each of you do for relaxation or change of pace? What shared activities do you have? What activities do you want to continue alone? How do each of you feel about the other's interests?

3. Styles of relating: What characteristics do you treasure in the other? Does your future spouse act in any way that troubles or embarrasses you? Do you respect your partner?

4. Conflict resolution: How do you fight? As a couple, have you worked out a means of solving problems and coming to mutually agreed-upon solutions in a healthy, constructive manner? 

5. Commitment expectations: What expectations do each of you have about your making a commitment to one another? Are those expectations realistic? Do you have a mutually agreed-upon understanding of how you share responsibilities in your future relationship? 

6. Family: How do each of your families feel about this long-term relationship? How do you feel about your own family and about your future in-laws? What traits of your family origin do you want / not want to bring into this commitment?

7. Money: Who earns the family income? Do you anticipate that changing? How will finances be managed in the future? Will you continue to have separate bank accounts, a joint account, or a combination of both?  How will you respond to new job prospects for one or both of you?

8. Sexuality: Do each of you understand the sexual needs and desires of the other? Are both of you comfortable with your present sexual relationship?

9. Children: Do each of you want to have children? If so, how many? How will they be guided, and by whom? What about religious upbringing?

10. Values, religion, spirituality: Do each of you understand and support the other's core values, religious understandings, and spiritual practices? What are your plans for nurturing your individual and mutual spiritual growth and personal values?


Is there anything else you'd add to this list?

Words from Wiser Women

Photo by mindwhisperings

Before I got married some friends threw me a bridal shower.

There was a mix of old friends and new friends, each and every one of whom I adore and admire.

After we played the usual bridal shower games (which were hilarious), and had some snacks, my organizer-friends handed cards out to everyone, and asked them to write down some marital advice for me.

Here are two of the gems that were given to me that day:

"Marry with the intention to create a life together rather than just for the sake of love. Our definition of love is constantly changing so hang on to the constant, the commitment to create a life together."

"Every day tell him, 'Thank you for choosing me.' And then say, 'I choose you today, too.' Because every day it is your choice to choose the blessing that is his companionship."

Why Married People Joke About the Hardships of Marriage

Photo by dharmasphere

Q: Why do people give you gifts when you get married?
A: They are a consolation prize for losing your freedom.

Badumbump.

We recently had dinner with one of my husband's colleagues, Pete, and Pete's lovely wife Maria.

Pete and Maria have two kids.

Pete asked if we planned to have kids. We said yes.

I highly recommend it, he said. It brings a completely different dimension to life.

Pete told us that before he had kids, he got nervous when parents made jokes about the hardships of parenthood. Is it really that awful? He wondered. Do they regret it? Are they pining for their child-free days?

But now that he has kids, he gets it (and makes jokes too). The trials and tribulations are real. But it's because parenthood is fundamentally worth it that he can joke about the hassles.

I can relate to this. I used to feel slightly unnerved when people joked about their marriage.  A small corner of my mind would wonder, do they regret getting married? Do they wish they were still single and "free"?

Now I get it.  The jokes can just be jokes. They are not a cover for deep-seeded regret and longing for single days. That kind of regret would be hard to laugh about. I can joke because for me there's no question of it not being worth it.

That's all for now. Gotta go hang out with my ball and chain :)

What Looks Good vs. What Feels Right

Photo by Thomas Hawk

I spent Labor Day Weekend on a silent meditation retreat.

We spend so much time with our attention "out there", thinking about people and things going on around us and our future plans and our past experiences. These retreats are a way of hanging out with yourself. Completely tuning into how you feel, in each moment. It's not completely easy at first, but if you stick with it a little it's incredibly liberating.

More and more, I find that I'm tuned into how things really feel to me, rather than looking at things and people through my self-image daydreams and preconceived ideas. It definitely makes for a richer experience.

Here's a quick example:
Let's say I go to Bi-Rite Creamery and order some lavender honey ice cream. I've had this ice cream before and it was delicious. In my mind, Bi-Rite lavender honey ice cream = DELICIOUSNESS. So I get some and start to eat it. But as I eat it, I'm more present to the idea of deliciousness (which is based on my past experience) than the actual taste of this ice cream in my hands right now. So I might not notice that today the sweetness feels heavy in my stomach, and that there's a sticky milky feeling in my throat. I might not notice this if I'm not present with the actual experience of the thing, if I'm just with my memory of it.

When we are tuned into ourselves, and are present, we know what feels good to us. We know what actually brings us joy rather than just the promise or the idea of joy.

This applies to relationships, yeah?

There are people who we *think* would be perfect for us. But for some reason we don't "feel it" (or they don't feel it, which in turn doesn't feel right to us). Many people I know - including both my husband and me - will say that the person they married is different than the picture they had in their mind of their life partner. But it just felt right.

Authenticity is when we can distinguish between what looks or sounds good and what actually feels good. And the more we do that, the more we open ourselves up to experiencing authentic joy.