The Power of Making Requests

Photo by meanestindian

One of the most valuable tools I've discovered when it comes to happy relationships is The Power of Making Requests. It's so simple, it feels funny to even call it a tool.

Most of us have things we would like from the people in our life. Particularly our partner, but also our friends.
But there's no way for everyone to always know what our wishes are. No matter how much the other person may love and care for us, they can't read our mind.

What's the easiest, most mutually enjoyable way of getting a wish fulfilled? Ask nicely. And then say thank you.

These five simple words - "I have a small request...", spoken in good cheer, can help preserve harmony, lightness, and intimacy in relationships. They facilitate clear, gracious communication.

The request can be about something small or something big.
"I have a small request... would you mind putting your shoes in the closet after you take them off?" (my husband's recent request of me)
So much sweeter than "WHY can't you put your shoes in the closet??!!" or "You DIDN'T put your shoes in the closet!!!"

There are a few things I particularly love about requests:
1. Requests are proactive. They have nothing to do with the past and everything to do with creating a more perfect future.
2. Requests are invitations. They are a way of sharing who we are with another person, and inviting them to participate in our happiness.
3. Requests are not demands. The other person has the freedom to say no. But chances are, if you ask respectfully then they will respond respectfully - even if the answer is no, they will explain why they aren't able to fulfill your request.
4. Requests are not complaints. They are steps towards solutions.
5. Requests are specific.
6. Requests are win-win. They make both people feel good. The requestor gets their need met, and the requested feels like a winner for being able to help.

Don't hesitate to open the door for the other person too: "Do you have any requests of me?"

It's always nice when you can meet someone's request with sincere enthusiasm: "Absolutely! I will put my shoes in the closet."

Some people might think, but I'd like to be self-sufficient and fulfill all of my own needs! If that's working for you, that's wonderful. If not, then try this little trick of making requests.

The Three Types of Single Men

Photo by numberstumper

Yep, there are six and a half billion people on the planet. And just three types of single men when it comes to relationships.

The three types are:

1. Men who are sure they want to get married* one day. It's just a matter of finding the right person.
2. Men who are sure they never want to get married. Not ever.
3. Men who just aren't sure what they want.

Assuming you are a person who would like to one day get married...

Then it just wouldn't make sense to date someone who's sure they never want to get married. Right? It would be like dating someone who's not into women. You are never ever going to change them, though you might die trying.

If you are going to date someone in pool #3, proceed with great caution. Be aware of your own expectations. Is your relationship just going to be so wonderful that it will inspire them to get clarity and become a commitment person just so they don't lose you? That does sometimes happen, but not always. The worst, worst, worst thing, which too many wonderful women have gone through, is to find out after a year or two that the guy they've gotten deeply involved with is hanging onto their membership in pool #3, and shows no signs of moving.

It seems to me that the easiest, most enjoyable path would be to date within pool #1. It doesn't mean that you're going to be interested in everyone in that pool, and there may still be relationships that don't work out for other reasons. But knowing that you both have the same objective is a good starting point. At least those guys want what you want, so that when you *do* connect, you'll have a solid basis for exploring a relationship.

The problem is, sometimes women don't know which group their guy belongs to. Even after dating more than a year.

What do you think? How would you figure out which pool a guy swims in?

* If it works better for you, you could interchange the words "get married" with "make a life commitment"

The List: 5 Must-Haves in a Potential Life Partner

Photo by ntr23

Remember in high school, how you and your friends would make lists of the qualities describing your ideal guy?

This list isn't like that.

Those are personal preferences. I'm talking about must-haves here. If a guy doesn't have these, it doesn't matter what else he has.

Drumroll, please...

1. KINDNESS/CHARACTER
Can you think of anything that could substitute for kindness? What professional accomplishment, what level of hotness, what brilliance and insight, what bank account, what life experience - WHAT could possibly ever substitute for kindness in a partner?
I'm not saying that you have to marry any kind person that you meet. But if you're contemplating a relationship with someone, it would be in your best interest to take an honest look at their character. Do they treat other people with respect and consideration, not only with words but in action? Even when no one else is looking?

2. HE MUST SEE HIMSELF AS THE MARRYING TYPE.
Not every guy does. And there are some guys who see themselves as the marrying type only if they meet their fantasy girl.
How does your potential guy envision his life? Does he clearly see himself with a life partner (and a family, if that's what you want)? How important is it to him? How interested is he in finding a life partner?
If he doesn't see himself as the marrying type then run, don't walk. It doesn't matter how wonderful he is and how great of a connection you two have. If he doesn't want what you want, it's not going to work.

3. HE MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF PROFESSIONAL FOCUS.
In general if he's not committed to some kind of career path, he's going to find it hard to feel ready for a long term relationship. I don't mean that he has to be CEO or have the next 10 years mapped out. But he should have a steady job and be on some kind of track, or have a general sense of a plan. He should be grounded and have a sense of what he's doing in life.

4. YOU MUST FEEL NATURAL BEING IN HIS COMPANY.
I know, I know, it can be exciting to be in the company of someone who gives you butterflies. We all want magic. But the biggest magic is in knowing and loving - and being known and being loved by - someone who completely gets you and loves you as you really are. Love and connection are not performance art.

5. HE MUST BE INTO YOU
If he's just not that into you, he's not the one for you. There's not much more to say other than that. Don't waste (too much) precious energy crying about it, trying to figure out why, or trying to convince him otherwise. Know that it happens to everyone and move on.

The danger of not paying attention to the must-haves:
You could spend months - or even years - in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you, wondering why you're not feeling fulfilled. Or wondering why you're not experiencing the connection you really want. You could spend lots of energy dating the wrong people, and feel hopeless about finding the right person for you. You could get your heart broken because you've gotten deeply involved with someone who isn't ready to commit to you. You could overlook a gem with whom you could have the relationship you really want.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree?

It's OK to Want It

Photo by Stephen Correy

From the time I first met my dear friend S., over 7 years ago, she was very open about wanting to meet someone and get married. She would talk about it openly, with just about anyone.

At the time I was slightly embarrassed for her. I mean, she was saying OUT LOUD that she wanted to get married! Wouldn't people think she was desperate?

Looking back, my reaction is puzzling. What's shameful about wanting to find a life partner? People have been getting married for hundreds of years.
What's wrong with wanting it, and what's wrong with admitting that you want it?

Absolutely nothing, in my view. I’ll be honest, I don’t know any single women older than 25 who isn’t on some level looking for “the One”, the person they’re going to (enthusiastically) be with for life. I think it’s just the way most of us are wired. Companionship. Love. Affection. Commitment. Security. Fun. Sharing. All good stuff.

Looking back, I admire S.'s clarity, her confidence, and her openness. I think she was wise.

And her wedding was a blast.