Does Searching for Love Ruin the Magic?

Photo by nuakin

Someone recently confided to me that he wanted to find love, but wasn't going online because searching for love seemed unromantic.  He wanted destiny to lead him to his person.  He wanted love to find him.


He also lamented that nothing was happening in his love life.


Is searching for love unromantic?  
Does it reduce something that could be magical to something mundane, like a job search?  
Is it a pushy way to interface with your destiny?  
Or is it smart, a sign that you know what you want and are proactive about getting it?


It's true that some people find their life partner without having to even think about it.  (One lovely couple I know met when they were young kids and grew up knowing that they wanted to be together.  So sweet, like a movie, no?)


But if you are single right now and ready to find/create/be in a life partnership, chances are you've had to face the idea of a search in some form or the other.


Here's my take on things.
The magic is in being with the person you love and who is right for you.  Hands down.  How you find that person doesn't matter one bit.  It doesn't matter whether you find each other by chance, whether your aunt's brother's friend's co-worker sets you up, or whether you meet online.


But if you're ready to find your life partner, and you haven't met that person by chance, then I think the other two options are a good idea.


To me, the least magical thing is being with the wrong person.
The next least magical thing is sitting at home and waiting for someone to knock on the door.


It reminds me of the story about the girl in dire financial straights who prays to God to help her win the lottery.  Every night she prays and every night someone else wins.  In desperation she prays: God, what's going on?  I'm about to lose everything I have.  Please, please have mercy on me and let me win the lottery tonight.  To which she hears a booming reply, "MY DEAR, PLEASE BUY A TICKET!!"

A Lid for Every Pot

Photo by WordRidden

Look around and you will see all kinds of people in happy, committed relationships.  


People with all kinds of personalities.
All kinds of physical appearances.
All professions.
All levels of spiritual evolution, emotional stability, fitness, and interest in fashion.
Etcetera.


You may know someone who you think is annoying and unattractive - and that person has a mate who is madly in love with them and thinks they are the cat's meow.

My point is, there's someone for everyone.

We live in a very self-help-y culture.  And in a way, I'm totally into that.  I think it's great to take active steps to improve your life.  But constantly thinking about all the ways you need to improve yourself can, ironically, be self-defeating.

You are who you are.  And there's someone out there who will think they are the luckiest person on earth to be with you, as you are right now.  Really.

Basic Blueprint of a Fulfilling Life Partnership?

Photo by Todd Ehlers

A close friend sent me this email right after my husband and I got engaged.


I think it's a good basic blueprint for what's needed for a fulfilling life partnership (in addition to a spark - you know, that X factor).


Useful questions to think about when considering someone...


Things to be in sync on before you commit for life...


---------- Forwarded message ----------

Here are the questions that our spiritual mentor and officiant discussed with us as our premarital counseling.  I thought you might enjoy seeing them.

1. Communication: Do each of you feel heard by the other? Do each of you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with the other? Do each of you understand the feelings and reasons for those feelings that the other person is sharing?

2. Leisure activities: What do each of you do for relaxation or change of pace? What shared activities do you have? What activities do you want to continue alone? How do each of you feel about the other's interests?

3. Styles of relating: What characteristics do you treasure in the other? Does your future spouse act in any way that troubles or embarrasses you? Do you respect your partner?

4. Conflict resolution: How do you fight? As a couple, have you worked out a means of solving problems and coming to mutually agreed-upon solutions in a healthy, constructive manner? 

5. Commitment expectations: What expectations do each of you have about your making a commitment to one another? Are those expectations realistic? Do you have a mutually agreed-upon understanding of how you share responsibilities in your future relationship? 

6. Family: How do each of your families feel about this long-term relationship? How do you feel about your own family and about your future in-laws? What traits of your family origin do you want / not want to bring into this commitment?

7. Money: Who earns the family income? Do you anticipate that changing? How will finances be managed in the future? Will you continue to have separate bank accounts, a joint account, or a combination of both?  How will you respond to new job prospects for one or both of you?

8. Sexuality: Do each of you understand the sexual needs and desires of the other? Are both of you comfortable with your present sexual relationship?

9. Children: Do each of you want to have children? If so, how many? How will they be guided, and by whom? What about religious upbringing?

10. Values, religion, spirituality: Do each of you understand and support the other's core values, religious understandings, and spiritual practices? What are your plans for nurturing your individual and mutual spiritual growth and personal values?


Is there anything else you'd add to this list?

Words from Wiser Women

Photo by mindwhisperings

Before I got married some friends threw me a bridal shower.

There was a mix of old friends and new friends, each and every one of whom I adore and admire.

After we played the usual bridal shower games (which were hilarious), and had some snacks, my organizer-friends handed cards out to everyone, and asked them to write down some marital advice for me.

Here are two of the gems that were given to me that day:

"Marry with the intention to create a life together rather than just for the sake of love. Our definition of love is constantly changing so hang on to the constant, the commitment to create a life together."

"Every day tell him, 'Thank you for choosing me.' And then say, 'I choose you today, too.' Because every day it is your choice to choose the blessing that is his companionship."

Why Married People Joke About the Hardships of Marriage

Photo by dharmasphere

Q: Why do people give you gifts when you get married?
A: They are a consolation prize for losing your freedom.

Badumbump.

We recently had dinner with one of my husband's colleagues, Pete, and Pete's lovely wife Maria.

Pete and Maria have two kids.

Pete asked if we planned to have kids. We said yes.

I highly recommend it, he said. It brings a completely different dimension to life.

Pete told us that before he had kids, he got nervous when parents made jokes about the hardships of parenthood. Is it really that awful? He wondered. Do they regret it? Are they pining for their child-free days?

But now that he has kids, he gets it (and makes jokes too). The trials and tribulations are real. But it's because parenthood is fundamentally worth it that he can joke about the hassles.

I can relate to this. I used to feel slightly unnerved when people joked about their marriage.  A small corner of my mind would wonder, do they regret getting married? Do they wish they were still single and "free"?

Now I get it.  The jokes can just be jokes. They are not a cover for deep-seeded regret and longing for single days. That kind of regret would be hard to laugh about. I can joke because for me there's no question of it not being worth it.

That's all for now. Gotta go hang out with my ball and chain :)

What Looks Good vs. What Feels Right

Photo by Thomas Hawk

I spent Labor Day Weekend on a silent meditation retreat.

We spend so much time with our attention "out there", thinking about people and things going on around us and our future plans and our past experiences. These retreats are a way of hanging out with yourself. Completely tuning into how you feel, in each moment. It's not completely easy at first, but if you stick with it a little it's incredibly liberating.

More and more, I find that I'm tuned into how things really feel to me, rather than looking at things and people through my self-image daydreams and preconceived ideas. It definitely makes for a richer experience.

Here's a quick example:
Let's say I go to Bi-Rite Creamery and order some lavender honey ice cream. I've had this ice cream before and it was delicious. In my mind, Bi-Rite lavender honey ice cream = DELICIOUSNESS. So I get some and start to eat it. But as I eat it, I'm more present to the idea of deliciousness (which is based on my past experience) than the actual taste of this ice cream in my hands right now. So I might not notice that today the sweetness feels heavy in my stomach, and that there's a sticky milky feeling in my throat. I might not notice this if I'm not present with the actual experience of the thing, if I'm just with my memory of it.

When we are tuned into ourselves, and are present, we know what feels good to us. We know what actually brings us joy rather than just the promise or the idea of joy.

This applies to relationships, yeah?

There are people who we *think* would be perfect for us. But for some reason we don't "feel it" (or they don't feel it, which in turn doesn't feel right to us). Many people I know - including both my husband and me - will say that the person they married is different than the picture they had in their mind of their life partner. But it just felt right.

Authenticity is when we can distinguish between what looks or sounds good and what actually feels good. And the more we do that, the more we open ourselves up to experiencing authentic joy.