Calling in The One

Photo by alles-shlumpf

Hands down the best book I've ever read about relationships is the highly readable masterpiece Calling in "The One" by Katherine Woodward Thomas.

The book is an insightful guide on how to make yourself ready and clear to be in a fulfilling life partnership, and therefore how to attract one.

Watch Katherine Woodward Thomas talk about the premise of Calling in The One <here> and <here>.

Here's what the back cover says:
In Calling in "The One," Katherine Woodward Thomas shares her own personal experience to show women that in order to find the relationship that will last a lifetime, you have to be truly open and ready to create a loving, committed, romantic union.  Calling in "The One" shows you how.


Based on the Law of Attraction, which is the concept that we can only attract what we're ready to receive, the provocative yet simple seven-week program in Calling in "The One" prepares you to bring forth the love you seek.  For each of the 49 days of Thomas's thoughtful and life-affirming plan, there is a daily lesson, a corresponding practice, and instruction for putting that lesson into action in your life.  Meditation, visualization, and journaling exercises will gently lead you to recognize the obstacles on your path to love and provide ways to steer around them.  At the end of those 49 days, you will be in the ideal emotional state to go out into the world and find "The One."

My sister swears that she would never have met her fiance if she hadn't gone through this book.  One of her friends with whom she went through it just got engaged.


I'd recommend Calling in The One whether you're single or married because we are all trying to call something into our lives - whether it is a relationship, a life purpose, or something else.

Not Looking, But Open - Really?

Photo by JKonig

In the name of love, if there's one sentence I would be okay with never hearing again, it's this one:
I'm not looking for a relationship, but I'd be open to it if it came along.

Especially if it's spoken by a woman over the age of 27.

It conveys a sense of, I could take it or I could leave it.  It's not that important to me.

I just don't buy it.

I don't know any single women over the age of 27 who wouldn't very much like to meet the love of their life.  So I don't buy that it's not important to you.  I don't buy that somewhere in the back of your mind or deep in your heart, you're not wondering how you're going to find this person, or sometimes even whether you're going to find this person.  Or maybe it's the big white elephant in your mind; that desire might not be completely in focus yet, but I believe it's there.

I'm not saying that every woman must want to find their life partner; I'm saying that I just haven't yet met one who doesn't.

So for me, "Not Looking But Open" reflects a disconnect between what you want and what you say you want.  And that disconnect ain't gonna help you find your special love.

What happens when you say what you want out loud?

Who would you become if you turned it around to, I am looking, and I am open?

RT - 4 Relationship Myths That Almost Everyone Perpetuates

I stumbled upon an interesting article in the HuffPost a few days ago, which I completely agree with.

Here's a quick summary:
1. Opposites may attract, but long term it's the fundamental things you share with a person that will keep you together.

2. A perfect relationship isn't one where there is no conflict.  A perfect relationship is one where both people have found a constructive way of resolving conflicts that come up.

3. Interdependence and independence are both important for having a strong relationship.

4. Communication is important in a relationship, but it's also possible to over-communicate: it's not necessary to hash out every single hiccup.

You can read the whole article here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-terri-orbuch/relationship-fact-or-fict_b_774976.html

Most People Have to Kiss a Few Frogs

Photo by kaibara

Bad dates.  Everyone's had one.


At the start of their date one guy told my friend, a fellow doctor, "I'm making a rule: we're going to split everything 50/50".  When she pulled out her credit card after dinner, he didn't flinch.  He just let her pay.

Another friend went on a date with a guy whose head was snowing dandruff.


Another date talked about his ex-girlfriend the entire night.


Cheap dates.  Presumptuous dates.  Poorly groomed dates.  Boring dates.  Dates that talk too much about themselves.  Dates that are just plain rude.


If you've never had a bad date, you might not be putting yourself out there.
Either that or you married young.


If you have had a bad date, take heart.  You're in good company.  And it doesn't mean a thing about what you deserve, or your chances of finding the love you want.

Yeah Baby, Let's Talk about Sex

Photo by artistfriendship

A friend recently broke up with a guy she'd been dating for a couple of months.  She thought he was nice but not the right person for her.  She wrote this in an email:

------

"The biggest lesson I am taking from this experience is something that I've heard said so many times before and always rejected out of hand as part of my general rejection of my paranoid-of-the-body Catholic upbringing: 
sex clouds judgement.


You start to bond energetically and it is harder to notice incompatible character traits and red flags. Or maybe you notice them but other parts of you dismiss them right away.  I still made him wait a month but as soon as we crossed that line, that was when I got more confused.  


I am beginning to reluctantly admit that maybe the nuns were right ;-).  I would never marry someone without knowing if we are sexually compatible first.  But I might try waiting until I am more certain about the relationship before introducing this element next time."

-----

What's Time Got To Do With It?

Photo by eliazar

My husband and I knew pretty quickly that we wanted to be together.


Within a few weeks of our first official date.


It just felt effortless and obvious. There was no sense of "I love him, BUT..."


There were no buts.


I didn't know he was the love of my life on the first day we met (although I did notice his truly fantastic smile).  We didn't even have our first date until over two months later.


When we eventually became friends, it was effortless and easy.  We connected on a lot of different levels.  We could talk for hours about everything under the sun.  No matter where we were or what we were doing, we had fun.


We turned each other on.  I found him incredibly interesting on lots of different levels (and still do).  We felt natural with each other and energized by each other's company (and still do).  We laughed constantly (and still do).  Commitment wasn't a huge leap for either one of us.  At a certain point we just recognized that it was already there.

I'll tell you something.  The day that I realized he was the one for me, and I was the one for him, was one of the best days of my life.


Sometimes two people in a relationship are trying to figure out whether they're right for each other.

Sometimes one person is more committed than the other.
Sometimes one or both people find it hard to commit because they haven't yet figured out what they want from a life partnership in general.
But sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes there's a mutual sense of certainty.
And when that happens, it's magic.


That mutual sense of certainty can develop very quickly.
And it happens all the time:
In January my sister was teased by her good friend Suany about getting engaged to someone she'd dated for just six months.
Then Suany met someone in May, and got engaged in August.
Sometimes when you know, you know.

Don't mistake me, the point is not about how quickly you can get engaged or get married.  It's about recognizing when something is right, and how quickly that can happen.  It doesn't necessarily take two years, or even a year.  Especially if you've taken time to ask yourself what you really want in your life.

If you're ready for a life partnership and you aren't certain within six months that the person you're with is right for you, and vice versa, you might think hard about whether it's ever going to feel right with that particular person.  Or at least you might want to take a good hard look at your "buts".

Does Searching for Love Ruin the Magic?

Photo by nuakin

Someone recently confided to me that he wanted to find love, but wasn't going online because searching for love seemed unromantic.  He wanted destiny to lead him to his person.  He wanted love to find him.


He also lamented that nothing was happening in his love life.


Is searching for love unromantic?  
Does it reduce something that could be magical to something mundane, like a job search?  
Is it a pushy way to interface with your destiny?  
Or is it smart, a sign that you know what you want and are proactive about getting it?


It's true that some people find their life partner without having to even think about it.  (One lovely couple I know met when they were young kids and grew up knowing that they wanted to be together.  So sweet, like a movie, no?)


But if you are single right now and ready to find/create/be in a life partnership, chances are you've had to face the idea of a search in some form or the other.


Here's my take on things.
The magic is in being with the person you love and who is right for you.  Hands down.  How you find that person doesn't matter one bit.  It doesn't matter whether you find each other by chance, whether your aunt's brother's friend's co-worker sets you up, or whether you meet online.


But if you're ready to find your life partner, and you haven't met that person by chance, then I think the other two options are a good idea.


To me, the least magical thing is being with the wrong person.
The next least magical thing is sitting at home and waiting for someone to knock on the door.


It reminds me of the story about the girl in dire financial straights who prays to God to help her win the lottery.  Every night she prays and every night someone else wins.  In desperation she prays: God, what's going on?  I'm about to lose everything I have.  Please, please have mercy on me and let me win the lottery tonight.  To which she hears a booming reply, "MY DEAR, PLEASE BUY A TICKET!!"

A Lid for Every Pot

Photo by WordRidden

Look around and you will see all kinds of people in happy, committed relationships.  


People with all kinds of personalities.
All kinds of physical appearances.
All professions.
All levels of spiritual evolution, emotional stability, fitness, and interest in fashion.
Etcetera.


You may know someone who you think is annoying and unattractive - and that person has a mate who is madly in love with them and thinks they are the cat's meow.

My point is, there's someone for everyone.

We live in a very self-help-y culture.  And in a way, I'm totally into that.  I think it's great to take active steps to improve your life.  But constantly thinking about all the ways you need to improve yourself can, ironically, be self-defeating.

You are who you are.  And there's someone out there who will think they are the luckiest person on earth to be with you, as you are right now.  Really.

Basic Blueprint of a Fulfilling Life Partnership?

Photo by Todd Ehlers

A close friend sent me this email right after my husband and I got engaged.


I think it's a good basic blueprint for what's needed for a fulfilling life partnership (in addition to a spark - you know, that X factor).


Useful questions to think about when considering someone...


Things to be in sync on before you commit for life...


---------- Forwarded message ----------

Here are the questions that our spiritual mentor and officiant discussed with us as our premarital counseling.  I thought you might enjoy seeing them.

1. Communication: Do each of you feel heard by the other? Do each of you feel comfortable sharing your feelings with the other? Do each of you understand the feelings and reasons for those feelings that the other person is sharing?

2. Leisure activities: What do each of you do for relaxation or change of pace? What shared activities do you have? What activities do you want to continue alone? How do each of you feel about the other's interests?

3. Styles of relating: What characteristics do you treasure in the other? Does your future spouse act in any way that troubles or embarrasses you? Do you respect your partner?

4. Conflict resolution: How do you fight? As a couple, have you worked out a means of solving problems and coming to mutually agreed-upon solutions in a healthy, constructive manner? 

5. Commitment expectations: What expectations do each of you have about your making a commitment to one another? Are those expectations realistic? Do you have a mutually agreed-upon understanding of how you share responsibilities in your future relationship? 

6. Family: How do each of your families feel about this long-term relationship? How do you feel about your own family and about your future in-laws? What traits of your family origin do you want / not want to bring into this commitment?

7. Money: Who earns the family income? Do you anticipate that changing? How will finances be managed in the future? Will you continue to have separate bank accounts, a joint account, or a combination of both?  How will you respond to new job prospects for one or both of you?

8. Sexuality: Do each of you understand the sexual needs and desires of the other? Are both of you comfortable with your present sexual relationship?

9. Children: Do each of you want to have children? If so, how many? How will they be guided, and by whom? What about religious upbringing?

10. Values, religion, spirituality: Do each of you understand and support the other's core values, religious understandings, and spiritual practices? What are your plans for nurturing your individual and mutual spiritual growth and personal values?


Is there anything else you'd add to this list?

Words from Wiser Women

Photo by mindwhisperings

Before I got married some friends threw me a bridal shower.

There was a mix of old friends and new friends, each and every one of whom I adore and admire.

After we played the usual bridal shower games (which were hilarious), and had some snacks, my organizer-friends handed cards out to everyone, and asked them to write down some marital advice for me.

Here are two of the gems that were given to me that day:

"Marry with the intention to create a life together rather than just for the sake of love. Our definition of love is constantly changing so hang on to the constant, the commitment to create a life together."

"Every day tell him, 'Thank you for choosing me.' And then say, 'I choose you today, too.' Because every day it is your choice to choose the blessing that is his companionship."

Why Married People Joke About the Hardships of Marriage

Photo by dharmasphere

Q: Why do people give you gifts when you get married?
A: They are a consolation prize for losing your freedom.

Badumbump.

We recently had dinner with one of my husband's colleagues, Pete, and Pete's lovely wife Maria.

Pete and Maria have two kids.

Pete asked if we planned to have kids. We said yes.

I highly recommend it, he said. It brings a completely different dimension to life.

Pete told us that before he had kids, he got nervous when parents made jokes about the hardships of parenthood. Is it really that awful? He wondered. Do they regret it? Are they pining for their child-free days?

But now that he has kids, he gets it (and makes jokes too). The trials and tribulations are real. But it's because parenthood is fundamentally worth it that he can joke about the hassles.

I can relate to this. I used to feel slightly unnerved when people joked about their marriage.  A small corner of my mind would wonder, do they regret getting married? Do they wish they were still single and "free"?

Now I get it.  The jokes can just be jokes. They are not a cover for deep-seeded regret and longing for single days. That kind of regret would be hard to laugh about. I can joke because for me there's no question of it not being worth it.

That's all for now. Gotta go hang out with my ball and chain :)

What Looks Good vs. What Feels Right

Photo by Thomas Hawk

I spent Labor Day Weekend on a silent meditation retreat.

We spend so much time with our attention "out there", thinking about people and things going on around us and our future plans and our past experiences. These retreats are a way of hanging out with yourself. Completely tuning into how you feel, in each moment. It's not completely easy at first, but if you stick with it a little it's incredibly liberating.

More and more, I find that I'm tuned into how things really feel to me, rather than looking at things and people through my self-image daydreams and preconceived ideas. It definitely makes for a richer experience.

Here's a quick example:
Let's say I go to Bi-Rite Creamery and order some lavender honey ice cream. I've had this ice cream before and it was delicious. In my mind, Bi-Rite lavender honey ice cream = DELICIOUSNESS. So I get some and start to eat it. But as I eat it, I'm more present to the idea of deliciousness (which is based on my past experience) than the actual taste of this ice cream in my hands right now. So I might not notice that today the sweetness feels heavy in my stomach, and that there's a sticky milky feeling in my throat. I might not notice this if I'm not present with the actual experience of the thing, if I'm just with my memory of it.

When we are tuned into ourselves, and are present, we know what feels good to us. We know what actually brings us joy rather than just the promise or the idea of joy.

This applies to relationships, yeah?

There are people who we *think* would be perfect for us. But for some reason we don't "feel it" (or they don't feel it, which in turn doesn't feel right to us). Many people I know - including both my husband and me - will say that the person they married is different than the picture they had in their mind of their life partner. But it just felt right.

Authenticity is when we can distinguish between what looks or sounds good and what actually feels good. And the more we do that, the more we open ourselves up to experiencing authentic joy.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Photo by alebonvini

Before I left home for college my father sat me down to give me some life advice.

It was an awkward conversation, for both of us, but one piece of wisdom stuck with me all of these years:
“It’s no fun being in and out of serious relationships.”

Here’s the thing. We underestimate how hard break-ups are. At worst they are traumatic and at best (at best, people!) they are extremely unpleasant. Ending relationships causes wear and tear on our minds and emotions. (Someone once told me that you need to take the amount of time two people are in a relationship, and then divide it in half – that is how long it will take to fully get over it.)

We all know that break-ups are hard, but we don’t always consider this truth at the front-end of a relationship, when it matters most. It’s kind of like living as if you’re dying; if you thought honestly about how a relationship might realistically end (happy marriage? slow fizzle? world war 3?), it would likely affect your choice in whether and how to move forward. And it is much easier to see clearly before you've invested a lot of time and energy with someone.

Break-ups - and getting involved with the wrong person - fiddle with your confidence, eat up your energy, and can even cause depression. Most importantly, they take up time that could be spent enjoying life with the right person.

No fun.

It's possible to save yourself a world of trouble by choosing relationships wisely from the beginning.

The Power of Making Requests

Photo by meanestindian

One of the most valuable tools I've discovered when it comes to happy relationships is The Power of Making Requests. It's so simple, it feels funny to even call it a tool.

Most of us have things we would like from the people in our life. Particularly our partner, but also our friends.
But there's no way for everyone to always know what our wishes are. No matter how much the other person may love and care for us, they can't read our mind.

What's the easiest, most mutually enjoyable way of getting a wish fulfilled? Ask nicely. And then say thank you.

These five simple words - "I have a small request...", spoken in good cheer, can help preserve harmony, lightness, and intimacy in relationships. They facilitate clear, gracious communication.

The request can be about something small or something big.
"I have a small request... would you mind putting your shoes in the closet after you take them off?" (my husband's recent request of me)
So much sweeter than "WHY can't you put your shoes in the closet??!!" or "You DIDN'T put your shoes in the closet!!!"

There are a few things I particularly love about requests:
1. Requests are proactive. They have nothing to do with the past and everything to do with creating a more perfect future.
2. Requests are invitations. They are a way of sharing who we are with another person, and inviting them to participate in our happiness.
3. Requests are not demands. The other person has the freedom to say no. But chances are, if you ask respectfully then they will respond respectfully - even if the answer is no, they will explain why they aren't able to fulfill your request.
4. Requests are not complaints. They are steps towards solutions.
5. Requests are specific.
6. Requests are win-win. They make both people feel good. The requestor gets their need met, and the requested feels like a winner for being able to help.

Don't hesitate to open the door for the other person too: "Do you have any requests of me?"

It's always nice when you can meet someone's request with sincere enthusiasm: "Absolutely! I will put my shoes in the closet."

Some people might think, but I'd like to be self-sufficient and fulfill all of my own needs! If that's working for you, that's wonderful. If not, then try this little trick of making requests.

The Three Types of Single Men

Photo by numberstumper

Yep, there are six and a half billion people on the planet. And just three types of single men when it comes to relationships.

The three types are:

1. Men who are sure they want to get married* one day. It's just a matter of finding the right person.
2. Men who are sure they never want to get married. Not ever.
3. Men who just aren't sure what they want.

Assuming you are a person who would like to one day get married...

Then it just wouldn't make sense to date someone who's sure they never want to get married. Right? It would be like dating someone who's not into women. You are never ever going to change them, though you might die trying.

If you are going to date someone in pool #3, proceed with great caution. Be aware of your own expectations. Is your relationship just going to be so wonderful that it will inspire them to get clarity and become a commitment person just so they don't lose you? That does sometimes happen, but not always. The worst, worst, worst thing, which too many wonderful women have gone through, is to find out after a year or two that the guy they've gotten deeply involved with is hanging onto their membership in pool #3, and shows no signs of moving.

It seems to me that the easiest, most enjoyable path would be to date within pool #1. It doesn't mean that you're going to be interested in everyone in that pool, and there may still be relationships that don't work out for other reasons. But knowing that you both have the same objective is a good starting point. At least those guys want what you want, so that when you *do* connect, you'll have a solid basis for exploring a relationship.

The problem is, sometimes women don't know which group their guy belongs to. Even after dating more than a year.

What do you think? How would you figure out which pool a guy swims in?

* If it works better for you, you could interchange the words "get married" with "make a life commitment"

The List: 5 Must-Haves in a Potential Life Partner

Photo by ntr23

Remember in high school, how you and your friends would make lists of the qualities describing your ideal guy?

This list isn't like that.

Those are personal preferences. I'm talking about must-haves here. If a guy doesn't have these, it doesn't matter what else he has.

Drumroll, please...

1. KINDNESS/CHARACTER
Can you think of anything that could substitute for kindness? What professional accomplishment, what level of hotness, what brilliance and insight, what bank account, what life experience - WHAT could possibly ever substitute for kindness in a partner?
I'm not saying that you have to marry any kind person that you meet. But if you're contemplating a relationship with someone, it would be in your best interest to take an honest look at their character. Do they treat other people with respect and consideration, not only with words but in action? Even when no one else is looking?

2. HE MUST SEE HIMSELF AS THE MARRYING TYPE.
Not every guy does. And there are some guys who see themselves as the marrying type only if they meet their fantasy girl.
How does your potential guy envision his life? Does he clearly see himself with a life partner (and a family, if that's what you want)? How important is it to him? How interested is he in finding a life partner?
If he doesn't see himself as the marrying type then run, don't walk. It doesn't matter how wonderful he is and how great of a connection you two have. If he doesn't want what you want, it's not going to work.

3. HE MUST HAVE SOME KIND OF PROFESSIONAL FOCUS.
In general if he's not committed to some kind of career path, he's going to find it hard to feel ready for a long term relationship. I don't mean that he has to be CEO or have the next 10 years mapped out. But he should have a steady job and be on some kind of track, or have a general sense of a plan. He should be grounded and have a sense of what he's doing in life.

4. YOU MUST FEEL NATURAL BEING IN HIS COMPANY.
I know, I know, it can be exciting to be in the company of someone who gives you butterflies. We all want magic. But the biggest magic is in knowing and loving - and being known and being loved by - someone who completely gets you and loves you as you really are. Love and connection are not performance art.

5. HE MUST BE INTO YOU
If he's just not that into you, he's not the one for you. There's not much more to say other than that. Don't waste (too much) precious energy crying about it, trying to figure out why, or trying to convince him otherwise. Know that it happens to everyone and move on.

The danger of not paying attention to the must-haves:
You could spend months - or even years - in a relationship with someone who isn't right for you, wondering why you're not feeling fulfilled. Or wondering why you're not experiencing the connection you really want. You could spend lots of energy dating the wrong people, and feel hopeless about finding the right person for you. You could get your heart broken because you've gotten deeply involved with someone who isn't ready to commit to you. You could overlook a gem with whom you could have the relationship you really want.

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree?

It's OK to Want It

Photo by Stephen Correy

From the time I first met my dear friend S., over 7 years ago, she was very open about wanting to meet someone and get married. She would talk about it openly, with just about anyone.

At the time I was slightly embarrassed for her. I mean, she was saying OUT LOUD that she wanted to get married! Wouldn't people think she was desperate?

Looking back, my reaction is puzzling. What's shameful about wanting to find a life partner? People have been getting married for hundreds of years.
What's wrong with wanting it, and what's wrong with admitting that you want it?

Absolutely nothing, in my view. I’ll be honest, I don’t know any single women older than 25 who isn’t on some level looking for “the One”, the person they’re going to (enthusiastically) be with for life. I think it’s just the way most of us are wired. Companionship. Love. Affection. Commitment. Security. Fun. Sharing. All good stuff.

Looking back, I admire S.'s clarity, her confidence, and her openness. I think she was wise.

And her wedding was a blast.

Hello and Welcome - Marriage is Sexy and Poetic

This is a blog, mostly for women, about finding and savoring long term love.

This blog is meant to be a practical guide for and discussion about finding the right life partner for you - a person with whom you will enthusiastically create and share a life with, for the long haul.

Wait. Does "the long haul" sound unsexy and mundane? Does it sound uninspiring and unpoetic? It does to me too. I think we need new language to talk about life partner relationships. Because I've found that (so far) the life partner relationship is the sweetest, most liberating, most natural, most energizing and authentic relationship I've ever experienced. It is the truest, most romantic, most raw relationship. Yes, there are the dirty dishes that need to be washed. Every day. There are bills to pay (my husband and I have a weekly "bureaucracy hour" to take care of paperwork - sexy, right?). In the beautiful and fulfilling context of committed long term love, even all of that can feel part of a bigger adventure.